


For What It's Worth

by Cluegirl



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: AU, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-24
Updated: 2010-06-24
Packaged: 2017-10-10 06:24:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/96597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cluegirl/pseuds/Cluegirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black clears the air a bit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For What It's Worth

Black:  
You make me laugh, Severus, do you know that?

You always were such a fucking primped up drama queen. It's funny as hell to see that even after all these years, that's only gotten deeper. And don't give me all that 'bad family boo hoo' claptrap, because you've fucking met my mother, you tosspot. Nothing more kept you under your father's thumb than kept me under hers -- I left, you could have too, if you hadn't been such a sniveling little pureblood sycophant.

Snape:  
You had someplace to go. Thanks to you, no one who might have sheltered me had I run away, would have looked at me twice. You made sure I had no haven, Black, and when that wasn't enough, you tried to kill me too.

Black:  
Oh, spare me! Fine! I tried to kill you if you like, but guess what; you're still alive! I didn't kill you, and neither did Remus. If anything, we scared a little spine into you -- made you stronger-"

Snape:  
Hah! Then you keep illustrious company with the likes of Lucius Malfoy, Lord Voldemort, and my father-

Black:  
Shut up, I'm not finished. Whatever you think I tried to do to you -- whatever I DID do to you -- and yes, I'll agree I did a lot -- listen to me. Are you listening? Whatever I did to you, I. Have. Already. Paid. For. It!

Snape:  
Paid? You never even-

Black:  
Twelve years in Azkaban, Snape! Twelve FUCKING years without the means to make so much as a single comforting thought. Nearly half my goddamn life sucked away for the crime of NOT betraying James and Lily to Voldemort, NOT killing Peter Pettegrew, and while we're at it, NOT arranging the death of Severus Snape as well! Twelve years of my life spent trying to forget how to fucking BREATHE! While you did what? Stirred potions, gave detentions and marked exams? Scrubbed your tarnished little reputation clean on Hogwarts and hoped no one would ever ask you how many people you killed while you were hanging out with your Death Eater mates? Well here's a thing, Severus Snape -- Nobody ever asked ME how many people I killed either! So go on, you tosser, ASK ME!

Snape:  
I do not have to ask you-

Black:  
Because you know damn well I never killed anyone! Not even when I was an Auror! Not one single life stains my hands, you murderer, but I was the one staring Dementors in the face while you were getting fitted for a new life. I was eating garbage in Hell while you were refusing Albus's goddamn lemon drops.

Snape:  
Don't try and tell me about Hell, Black, because I've seen it! I've lived it, and I bear the scars to this day!

Black:  
Bullshit, Severus. Scars? Guilt? Nightmares? You think Hell waits till you're asleep, or lets you forget about it while you grade papers? You think Hell leaves marks where you can see them? Hell isn't guilt, it's innocence! It's innocence that doesn't matter, because it can't change anything -- it can't make the hurting stop, or fill your belly, or help you keep your mind together when your face is in the dirt, and there's a demon grunting on your back!

Snape:  
You had your demons, Black, but mine were just as twisted. I stared atrocity in the face every day, and hacked off pieces of my soul in the hopes of slowing it down just a little. Watched them chew off pieces of my conscience day by day with less hope of escape than you had in prison! I had no animal form in which to hide from the despair -- I LIVED with the demons, Black, eyes open when they were fucking the soul out of me, and nowhere to go even if I did manage to run.

Black:  
So you suffered for your crimes -- what, you want a fucking biscuit? I suffered for NOTHING! I'll play Top My Trauma with you if you want, but I warn you now you're going to lose. Whatever you suffered in your -- what, four whole years as a Death Eater, I suffered more in Azkaban!

Snape:  
And this is my worry exactly how? You imagine I can somehow give you back all those lost years of skirt chasing and tavern piss-ups? You think I've got Potter and Evans alive in my pocket, and have just been holding them back out of some childish spite? Take up your losses with Fudge and Moody, as I shall take mine up with Riddle and Malfoy!

Black:  
THAT'S MY FUCKING POINT!

Snape:  
Sit down.

Black:  
No, you sit the fuck down, and listen to me! Sit down before I break your fucking knees, Severus, because goddamnit, I WILL have your undivided attention for this! The past is gone. All of it. The good parts, the bad parts, the boasts and humiliations and loves and hates and petty rivalries are all just farts in the breeze now. You may choose to hang about sniffing after it, but I have had twelve years of suffering in trade for my past, and I'm not going to do it anymore. Are you listening to me?

Snape:  
Yes, though I can't think why.

Black:  
Then let me explain it, Severus: this stupid dance we've been doing is over as well. The pranks, the names, the petty schoolboy shite, it's in the past, and that's where it's going to stay from now on.

Snape:  
You may be able to forget about the past, but-

Black:  
No, not forget -- Merlin, Snape, you can't be this dense! Remember it all you want -- hell, sleep with it and hug it close if you like it so much -- just stop dragging its rotting corpse into the present every time I turn around! Look, it comes down to this: You don't know who the bloody fuck I am, just who I used to be. I'm not him anymore -- he died in Azkaban, and I'm tired of wearing his fucking ball and chain. I'm not asking you to forgive me for how I treated you in school -- if you could do that, we wouldn't be here now. I'm not asking you to pretend you like me-

Snape:  
Fortunate.

Black:  
I'm just asking you to stop hating a man you don't even know. Or if you need to carry on hating me that fucking much, then base your hatred on who I bloodywell AM, not who I used to be. Learn how to see me in the here and now, why don't you?

Snape:  
I see no reason-

Black:  
Then look closer, dammit! How many second chances do you expect you'll get in your life? We both have plenty of other people to hate -- people who frankly, deserve it more. You can hate me if you want, but you'd better find a new set of reasons for it, because I'm not having this fight with you anymore. We're burying this particular hatchet here and now. Wait, I'm not done. You've been whinging about this for the last twenty years, Severus, you don't want to miss it. Listening now? Okay.

I'm sorry about the Shrieking Shack. I had no idea what that was going to do to you. I'd had years to get used to the idea of Remus's change, and I had my animagus form too. I hadn't ever seen what he was like around a human during his change. Looking back, I really didn't believe he'd be all that different from when we were with him as animals. No, don't say anything -- it isn't an excuse, just an explanation. I can't imagine what that did to you -- not knowing, and just walking in on him. I can't imagine shock and terror like that -- not even with all I saw at Godric's Hollow, even with Azkaban. All the rest of the schoolboy games; the pranks, the names, the sniping, you gave as good as you got, and we both know that, but hitting you with Remus was an evil thing to do. I'm sorry. Yeah, look at you. You don't know what to do with a genuine apology, do you?

Snape:  
Black, if I thought for one minute you were sincere, then-

Black:  
Then think it, Severus, because that's the only apology there will be. It's plain truth, and you can do with it whatever the fuck you want, but first you have to accept it. No, that doesn't mean forgiving me, we've already covered that. Just accept the apology. Close the fucking door, and let's walk away, alright?

Snape:  
It isn't so simple as that, Black.

Black:  
It doesn't have to be any more complicated, Snape. You just let go. That's all. You accept my apology, and you shake my hand, and I walk out of your office. And maybe at the Order meetings, you'll still feel like glaring at me, but if you don't have a reason for it, you look at the ugly wallpaper instead. And maybe you'll feel like taking cheap shots at me or Remus or James when we're together, but you don't get to fool yourself that I've got it coming or anything, because we're tallying out the minute I walk out of that door. And whenever you start feeling resentful about your school days, you just remember that twelve years I spent in Hell, and tell yourself I paid for them.

Snape:  
We are neither of us men of peace, Black. This little charade of yours cannot make any real difference in our affairs. You will still be insufferable, and I will still be irascible, and we will still disagree over nearly point we discuss. I am not fool enough to believe you will ever understand or respect me, despite your rather idealistic catharsis. You have made your overtures, and I am certain Albus will tell you that is all he could expect when you report my refusal.

Black:  
This isn't about him, you berk. But I'll tell you who it is about: it's about Voldemort. It's about that bastard who killed my best friend, and is now trying to kill his little boy. It's about that bastard who branded your arm and set you on innocent muggles like some kind of attack dog. It's about the one who really deserves our hatred. Do you get it now? I won't have this pointless fucking grudge getting in my way anymore, not when ending it might be as simple as just deciding we're going to do so. Look, Severus, I know you hate change -- you had every reason to do so, but believe me, you want to take a chance on this one.

Snape:  
Oh, dear Merlin! Fine! I accept your apology! I do not forgive you, and I will never forget what you have done to me, but I accept your damned apology -- give me your hand!

Black:  
Put that knife down first -- oh. Well alright, I guess I can't say you don't mean it.

Snape:  
Precisely. If we do this, then we do it on blood, because I, like you, wish to hear no more of it. Still believe yourself certain? Now is the time to back out if you've been mouthing platitudes to me all this while.

Black:  
Give me that -- there. No, dammit, grip harder, like you mean it! I, Sirius Black do hereby renounce my feud against Severus Snape. Whatever debts of blood or honour lie between us, let them be canceled herewith. Now you -- and don't fuck me about, either!

Snape:  
Hmph. This is a truce, not a tryst. Your fingers aren't slipping, stop trying to break my hand. I, Severus Snape do hereby renounce my feud against Sirius Black. Whatever debts of blood or honour lie between us, let then be canceled herewith.

Black:  
See now? That didn't hurt at all, did it?

Snape:  
Keep being condescending, and it will do, Black. Don't you have a girl to chase or something to do besides bleeding all over my workroom floor?

Black:  
Girl? Nope. Remus and I are going for a drink at Rosemerta's though. You wouldn't want to...

Snape:  
Think very carefully before you finish that invitation.

Black:  
Oh. Well yeah, you're right there. Here's your knife back then, and I'll be off.

Snape:  
One thing before you go.

Black:  
Yes?

Snape:  
Should you ever call me Snivellus again, even by accident or reflex, I will cut your fucking throat while you sleep, do you understand me?

Black:  
You, uh, do realize you're still bleeding there, don't you Snape?

Snape:  
That's what makes it a blood oath. Take it as seriously as you do the one before it.

Black:  
Right. Okay then. Getting a bit too Slytherin down here for me.

Snape:  
Getting?

Black:  
Sigh. Leaving now.


End file.
